Corny Jokes
Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
She wanted to be a bubble dancer, but her dad said "no soap"
He went to the country to see a barn dance.
Doctor, I often feel like killing myself. What should I do?
"leave it to me"
Any of your friends can become an enemy, but a relative is one from the start.
Madam, this book will cut your housework in half!
Great, I'll take two of them.
Do these stairs take you to the second floor?
No, you'll have to walk.
While you were sick in bed, did your wife read to you?
Yes, my life insurance policy.
Is there a word in the English language that contains all vowels?
Unquestionably.
Always get married in the morning.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
Old teachers never die.
They just grade away.
"Get me my broker Miss Jones"
"Yes sir, stock or pawn"
I knew I was in trouble... Any time my ex gave me alphabet soup, the letters spelled out "poison"
She was only a taxi driver's daughter, but you sure auto meter.
"So, are you back from your vacation? Feel any change?"
"Not a penny"
"did you find it very expensive at the seashore?"
"yes, even the tide was high"
"i met my wife at a travel bureau. I was looking for a vacation, and she was the last resort"
"no matter how far you travel, you still move only two feet"
"Have you ever been to a zoo?.... I mean, as a visitor?"
"can you do something other people can't do?"
"yes, I can read my own handwriting"
no matter how much you move it, writing paper is always stationery
"i once ate a watch"
"wasn't that time-consuming?"
a man lost his watch and found it five blocks away. the watch was still running.
I left my watch upstairs and it ran down.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
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free, web, page, hosting, seo, v1rusdr
Will include a graphic,
and information that you select:
ie: your company name, phone number, address and business/product statement.
Web hosting is available at a deeply discounted rate of $40 for one year.
Other packages are available on inquiry.
To apply, call
407-772-2081 and ask for your free web page
Fill out the form on:
http://www.schiffkey.com/index_seo.php
or reply to this advertisement with:
your name and phone number.
Offer good in USA.
free, web, page, hosting, seo, v1rusdr
Computer Repair Blog
Computer Repair Blog
Corny Jokes
Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
She wanted to be a bubble dancer, but her dad said "no soap"
He went to the country to see a barn dance.
Doctor, I often feel like killing myself. What should I do?
"leave it to me"
Any of your friends can become an enemy, but a relative is one from the start.
Madam, this book will cut your housework in half!
Great, I'll take two of them.
Do these stairs take you to the second floor?
No, you'll have to walk.
While you were sick in bed, did your wife read to you?
Yes, my life insurance policy.
Is there a word in the English language that contains all vowels?
Unquestionably.
Always get married in the morning.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
Old teachers never die.
They just grade away.
"Get me my broker Miss Jones"
"Yes sir, stock or pawn"
I knew I was in trouble... Any time my ex gave me alphabet soup, the letters spelled out "poison"
She was only a taxi driver's daughter, but you sure auto meter.
"So, are you back from your vacation? Feel any change?"
"Not a penny"
"did you find it very expensive at the seashore?"
"yes, even the tide was high"
"i met my wife at a travel bureau. I was looking for a vacation, and she was the last resort"
"no matter how far you travel, you still move only two feet"
====
"Have you ever been to a zoo?.... I mean, as a visitor?"
"can you do something other people can't do?"
"yes, I can read my own handwriting"
no matter how much you move it, writing paper is always stationery
"i once ate a watch"
"wasn't that time-consuming?"
a man lost his watch and found it five blocks away. the watch was still running.
I left my watch upstairs and it ran down.
Corny Jokes
Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
She wanted to be a bubble dancer, but her dad said "no soap"
He went to the country to see a barn dance.
Doctor, I often feel like killing myself. What should I do?
"leave it to me"
Any of your friends can become an enemy, but a relative is one from the start.
Madam, this book will cut your housework in half!
Great, I'll take two of them.
Do these stairs take you to the second floor?
No, you'll have to walk.
While you were sick in bed, did your wife read to you?
Yes, my life insurance policy.
Is there a word in the English language that contains all vowels?
Unquestionably.
Always get married in the morning.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
Old teachers never die.
They just grade away.
"Get me my broker Miss Jones"
"Yes sir, stock or pawn"
I knew I was in trouble... Any time my ex gave me alphabet soup, the letters spelled out "poison"
She was only a taxi driver's daughter, but you sure auto meter.
"So, are you back from your vacation? Feel any change?"
"Not a penny"
"did you find it very expensive at the seashore?"
"yes, even the tide was high"
"i met my wife at a travel bureau. I was looking for a vacation, and she was the last resort"
"no matter how far you travel, you still move only two feet"
====
"Have you ever been to a zoo?.... I mean, as a visitor?"
"can you do something other people can't do?"
"yes, I can read my own handwriting"
no matter how much you move it, writing paper is always stationery
"i once ate a watch"
"wasn't that time-consuming?"
a man lost his watch and found it five blocks away. the watch was still running.
I left my watch upstairs and it ran down.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Are Nudists more prone to viruses?
(a)
The client was a very elderly man, maybe 80, maybe more. I am not a good judge of age! Anyhow, It was a warm Florida summer day (what’s the odds of that?) The A/C was on, but the house was still warm. Still, I sat down in front of my new client’s computer and started work. As usual, he offered me a coffee, which I gladly accepted. As I began work, I noticed my surroundings. The computer was in his bedroom (aren’t all computers located there?) To my left was a huge glass patio door, overlooking a swimming pool. My client explained “These condos all have their own swimming pools. All enclosed. No one can see in. No one can see out. When I swim, I can swim totally in the nude and never be disturbed. As long as we are quiet, the home owners association even lets us have parties. You are more than welcome to have a swim any time you like.” At this point I need to add that computer gurus may be exceptionally bright fixing computers, but we are socially inept. I didn’t have a clue until days later what he was offering or possibly why.
(b)
Some of my clients live far away (and far out). A very nice couple lived in eastern Orlando. Their home was even on a dirt road. It was situated on a fair junk of land. Their nearest neighbours homes were obscured. Sitting in their living room, I started working on their infected computer. It wasn’t going to be too bad, but older computers take longer to scan. The questions started early “How did I get a virus?” “Did we get it from porn sites?” “How do I protect my computer”… in other words, the usual questions! The husband was sitting to my left. Asking most of the questions. The wife was on the couch back of us, had no idea if she could see the computer from that far away! Somewhere in the middle of fixing the computer, the wife asked me “How much longer will this take? I want to get back outside and sun bath. Do you sunbath in the nude? We are nudists” Okay. Now how does someone answer that question? Here is this perfectly normal (looking) couple, asking a potentially intrusive question. Sorry to disappoint all of you, but I deftly stirred the conversation back to my task on hand: The computer. I guess I did a great job of fixing their computer; they have never called again with a computer problem.
(c)
I would think this question would come up more often. Yet, it has only been asked once in 10 years!
After fixing a couples computer, and while waiting for the wife to write the cheque, the husband asked “You must fix a lot of computers, where just the wife, the lonely wife, is present: Have you ever been prompted for extra services?” … Huge grin… I asked the husband if he got that question straight out of Playboy Advisors! Sadly(?), the answer is no. There are some very obvious reasons. The first is that at $70 an hour, most customers are so focused on the clock, that they would never think I was human. The second and more painful realization is that “I’m not a pool guy”. At my age, and only 5’4” tall, being approached for something other than my brain is ludicrous. But yes, I was “approached” once (read on).
(d)
I try to set my appointments around 9:30 in the morning. Ensures I don’t have to fight morning rush hour traffic. So, I get to this lady’s house, bright and early, ready to work. Her computer was in the living room. It was a large room. There was a TV to the right. A couch, 10 feet back behind me. The kitchen was to the right. Had one of those “islands” that people seem to like. I sat down to fix her computer. As usual, customers like to talk about anything BUT computers. And since I’ve been doing virus removal for 10 years, I actually welcome listening to my customers’ life story as I work. And yet, I still can’t spot warning signs? She explained that she was celebrating. She has been married two years, but her divorce settlement finally went through. And just yesterday, had received over $40,000. (I hate when people tell me about all their money. In 90% of the cases, it means they will complain about my $70 an hour as “way too high”, go figure). Meanwhile, I kept working on her computer. It is not unusual to see clients having a beer or two. Even that early in the morning. What I did not notice was how many beers she had been drinking. As she sat on the couch behind me, she continued her story about her life. Nothing new there, right? But when I pointed to the screen and said “That’s your problem, right there!” She left the couch to come beside me. She then said “can you explain what that’s all about”… and then tried to sit down. Well, I was sitting on the only chair in the room. She tried to sit on my lap! I was able to move out of the way, in time, but she fell on her butt to the floor. She was not happy. Anyhow, she brushed herself up, and went over to the kitchen. I went back to my work, and nothing more was said. In about 30 minutes, I was done – the computer was all cleaned up, viruses removed, programs updated. I was ready to leave, so I wrote up the bill and gave it to her. She looked at it, and said “I’m not paying this, get out.” … I was stunned… what do you say to that? So I went back to the computer and told her I was just finishing up. She repeated “get out” and I said “I have to remove my software from your computer” I know what you are thinking. You are thinking I put all her viruses back on her computer. But I didn’t have to. Instead, I just removed my anti-virus programs, and disabled hers. I took the high road. What would you have done?
Author: Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
nude, nudist, virus, v1rus, v1rusdr, schiff, schiffkey, computer, repair
(a)
The client was a very elderly man, maybe 80, maybe more. I am not a good judge of age! Anyhow, It was a warm Florida summer day (what’s the odds of that?) The A/C was on, but the house was still warm. Still, I sat down in front of my new client’s computer and started work. As usual, he offered me a coffee, which I gladly accepted. As I began work, I noticed my surroundings. The computer was in his bedroom (aren’t all computers located there?) To my left was a huge glass patio door, overlooking a swimming pool. My client explained “These condos all have their own swimming pools. All enclosed. No one can see in. No one can see out. When I swim, I can swim totally in the nude and never be disturbed. As long as we are quiet, the home owners association even lets us have parties. You are more than welcome to have a swim any time you like.” At this point I need to add that computer gurus may be exceptionally bright fixing computers, but we are socially inept. I didn’t have a clue until days later what he was offering or possibly why.
(b)
Some of my clients live far away (and far out). A very nice couple lived in eastern Orlando. Their home was even on a dirt road. It was situated on a fair junk of land. Their nearest neighbours homes were obscured. Sitting in their living room, I started working on their infected computer. It wasn’t going to be too bad, but older computers take longer to scan. The questions started early “How did I get a virus?” “Did we get it from porn sites?” “How do I protect my computer”… in other words, the usual questions! The husband was sitting to my left. Asking most of the questions. The wife was on the couch back of us, had no idea if she could see the computer from that far away! Somewhere in the middle of fixing the computer, the wife asked me “How much longer will this take? I want to get back outside and sun bath. Do you sunbath in the nude? We are nudists” Okay. Now how does someone answer that question? Here is this perfectly normal (looking) couple, asking a potentially intrusive question. Sorry to disappoint all of you, but I deftly stirred the conversation back to my task on hand: The computer. I guess I did a great job of fixing their computer; they have never called again with a computer problem.
(c)
I would think this question would come up more often. Yet, it has only been asked once in 10 years!
After fixing a couples computer, and while waiting for the wife to write the cheque, the husband asked “You must fix a lot of computers, where just the wife, the lonely wife, is present: Have you ever been prompted for extra services?” … Huge grin… I asked the husband if he got that question straight out of Playboy Advisors! Sadly(?), the answer is no. There are some very obvious reasons. The first is that at $70 an hour, most customers are so focused on the clock, that they would never think I was human. The second and more painful realization is that “I’m not a pool guy”. At my age, and only 5’4” tall, being approached for something other than my brain is ludicrous. But yes, I was “approached” once (read on).
(d)
I try to set my appointments around 9:30 in the morning. Ensures I don’t have to fight morning rush hour traffic. So, I get to this lady’s house, bright and early, ready to work. Her computer was in the living room. It was a large room. There was a TV to the right. A couch, 10 feet back behind me. The kitchen was to the right. Had one of those “islands” that people seem to like. I sat down to fix her computer. As usual, customers like to talk about anything BUT computers. And since I’ve been doing virus removal for 10 years, I actually welcome listening to my customers’ life story as I work. And yet, I still can’t spot warning signs? She explained that she was celebrating. She has been married two years, but her divorce settlement finally went through. And just yesterday, had received over $40,000. (I hate when people tell me about all their money. In 90% of the cases, it means they will complain about my $70 an hour as “way too high”, go figure). Meanwhile, I kept working on her computer. It is not unusual to see clients having a beer or two. Even that early in the morning. What I did not notice was how many beers she had been drinking. As she sat on the couch behind me, she continued her story about her life. Nothing new there, right? But when I pointed to the screen and said “That’s your problem, right there!” She left the couch to come beside me. She then said “can you explain what that’s all about”… and then tried to sit down. Well, I was sitting on the only chair in the room. She tried to sit on my lap! I was able to move out of the way, in time, but she fell on her butt to the floor. She was not happy. Anyhow, she brushed herself up, and went over to the kitchen. I went back to my work, and nothing more was said. In about 30 minutes, I was done – the computer was all cleaned up, viruses removed, programs updated. I was ready to leave, so I wrote up the bill and gave it to her. She looked at it, and said “I’m not paying this, get out.” … I was stunned… what do you say to that? So I went back to the computer and told her I was just finishing up. She repeated “get out” and I said “I have to remove my software from your computer” I know what you are thinking. You are thinking I put all her viruses back on her computer. But I didn’t have to. Instead, I just removed my anti-virus programs, and disabled hers. I took the high road. What would you have done?
Author: Jerrold Schiff
http://www.schiffkey.com
nude, nudist, virus, v1rus, v1rusdr, schiff, schiffkey, computer, repair
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